I decided to take the week off work to see just what this stay-at-home mom thing is all about. Derek is at the BC Cancer Agency as a day-patient all week (he comes home at night) to take part in a clinical trial. The trial grants him access to a drug that the doctors think might be promising for shrinking his lung tumors. The drug is administered orally, but he still needs to be supervised and have regular blood tests as part of the scientific research.

That said, my gut gut feeling about needing to be at home for my family seems to be right. My youngest daughter started feeling sick last night, and this morning she woke in tears. She is now on the couch with a headache and a tummy ache. It is not unusual for her to get sick on days when Derek is in the hospital. I think her little body feels the sadness and worry in physical, not psychological ways right now. I’m glad to be home from work to look after her. Normally on a day when she and Derek are both sick I would need to send her to her grandparent’s for the day. It is great having grandparents so close an so helpful and caring — but I’m glad it is me who can care for her some days. It just feels right that I be here.

I’m sure she will be back to school tomorrow — maybe even by lunch today if she perks-up.
In the mean time, I will do laundry. I also woke-up feeling sick today — sore throat. So I may take a little nap later.

I am feeling good about my decision to take a few days off work (all of next week, and two days the following week, total 7 days). Derek is spending every day at the BC Cancer Agency next week for the new chemotherapy clinical trial, then we are both attending a two-day workshop at InSpire Health the following week.

I’ve been feeling more and more of a pull toward staying home these days to look after the girls. I had been contemplating leaving work altogether, but have compromised and decided to just take a few days off, then go back and see how I feel. I absolutely love my job, and I love working, earning, (spending!), and getting dressed-up to do something out of the house. I know teaching is my calling in life, but there are days when it feels like I’m just giving too much of myself to too many people. I give to my kids, give to my husband, and give to the special needs students at work…. like Richard Gere says in “Nights in Rodanthe” — Who keeps you safe?? Swoon.

It has been almost two years since Derek got diagnosed with cancer, and I feel like we are running a never-ending marathon. The only solution to save from burning-out is to pace myself. I’m sure it is the right decision. One day at a time.

There are no Knights on White Horses trotting around outside my door (although applications are being accepted..), and it is becoming more and more clear to me that the only person who is available to look after me is ME. Seriously, it is kind of sad to have to dote on myself, but nobody else does. So, I’ve decided to be the boss of my own self-care, and to do a few extra little things to help keep me afloat. For example, I have another massage booked for Friday after work, and I will stay at the spa for an extra hour or two to relax; I am not ignoring my own necessary doctor’s appointments and grooming appointments anymore (yes, I need grooming!); I will keep-up with my exercise and podcasting, and blogging; and so on, you get the idea. Same path, new direction. Peace, love, happiness. My heart is open…

IMG00280.jpg

Originally uploaded by Talking to Air

Today I crashed my first wedding fair! It was located at the Holiday Inn in North Vancouver. Formerly the Coach House Inn, aka “the Roach”, the hotel has been totally re-built from the ground-up. It is a nice location for a wedding, if you don’t mind the view of the highway from the Gazebo.

My cousin is getting married, so I pretended I was engaged too, so as to get in free (non-brides had to pay $5). It wasn’t much fun, but I did enjoy the fashion show. We also got a tour of one of the “theme” rooms. I felt very voyeuristic.

Next time my cousin and I have agreed we will pose as a lesbian couple, just to see the look on the faces of all the totally square wedding accoutrement sales people who ask too many personal questions for my liking.

Pet Store Kitty

Originally uploaded by Talking to Air

When I was a child I fantasized about moving to a farm, driving a Trans-Am (gold paint with a black eagle on the hood, or maybe a glitter-paint Corvette, remember those sexy beasts????), and having a pet cat.

Life has not turned-out that way, obviously. Farms are too isolated and require too much work for me. Trans-Am’s are no longer cool, and to be honest I don’t really care if my car is cool or not as long as it starts-up each and every morning without fail.

And most sadly of all: I’m allergic to cats. I’m horrifically allergic to cats. I think I could die from this allergy if I had too many cats around me — that’s how bad it is. I get sneezy, grumpy, and blisters form on my eyeballs if they come in contact with cat fur.

I’m not allergic to anything else, just cats (and some other furry pets), and that is so sad for me. I tell everyone I’m “not a pet person”, but really I just can’t live with them.

Today I spent some time at the local pet store. I wish I could have come home with a little kitty. I need snuggles. I want a cat so bad.
And no, not a hairless cat. I want a puffy little cat. I would name it Poppy.

The Fall 2008 Edition of the Canadian quarterly Moods Magazine is now on shelves at Chapters stores. It is also available for online subscription by calling 888-275-8007. The free part of the magazine’s website is well written and worth checking-out. A huge stigma-buster, Moods Magazine brings the topic of Mental Health to all of us via mainstream media. The articles are well-written and the ads are a good resource for people seeking help for mood disorders or addictions.

Moods Magazine is affiliated with Changing Perceptions Inc., a non-profit organization dedicated to providing awareness and information about mental illness, especially in the area of mood disorders. Our consumer publication provides educational information in layperson terms to the general public, educational institutions, and to the workplace. Moods emphasizes prevention through education, and supplies those living with a mood disorder (and illnesses that may be simultaneously present, such as addictions, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, borderline personality disorder, etc.) with easy-to-read, useful information, while also diminishing the stigma attached to mental illness.

Drunk Pumpkin

Originally uploaded by Talking to Air

I hope it does not rain too hard for this kids tonight. Both of mine are going trick-or-treating with girlfriends, then having a sleep-over. Could get crazy!

I’m spending today with Derek at InSpire Health; we are meeting with a new doctor to discuss complementary therapies for his metastatic cancer. I’m looking forward to hearing a second opinion about the phase one trials.

Today Karen invited me to join her for shopping at the Portobello West Market in Vancouver. I had a wonderful time, and made three purchases from local artists:

1. A wrap t-shirt made of organic cotton/soy fibre (size and colour chosen for me by the designer!)

2. A pair of bumble-bee earrings by BuenoStyle (they match my tattoo!)

3. A pair of framed photos by local photographer Jeff Maihara (Jeff grew-up in my home city, North Vancouver!)

Unlike most mall shopping experiences, I paid the artist directly. What a great feeling it is to support local talent, and come home with quality, unique pieces to savor for a lifetime. It was a great shopping experience.

Here is a list of some up-coming craft/art markets in Vancouver:

Portobello West November 30,2008.
Green Christmas Sunday Dec. 7, 2008.
Fab Fair Winter Show November 22, 2008 (Heritage Hall, 3110 Main St. Vancouver 11am-5pm).
Women’s Winter Faire (various dates).
Circle Craft Christmas Fair Nov. 11-16, 2008.
oneofakind Christmas show and sale Nov. 20-23, 2008.

I say, fuck the mall. Go to a craft fair.

Link.
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(Via Jodi, one of my American friends who has moved to Canada. If only it was this easy!)

Originally uploaded by Jessica Sprenkle

This week my doctor suggested I try massage therapy. But rather than going to a clinic, I took a tip from my cousin and tried Spa Utopia. Today I went to the North Vancouver location for a seventy-five minute therapeutic massage with one of their RMT’s. I had a wonderful experience, and will be going back in three weeks. It is great to have something to look forward to…

Here is a list of what I love about Spa Utopia in North Vancouver:

- located at sea-level, the view from the relaxation lounge is pure unobstructed Burrard Inlet. Have you ever been on the Sea Bus? The view of Vancouver is the same. Comfy couches, a fire-place and candle-light make this a very relaxing oasis.

- complimentary coffee, tea, juice, water, dried fruit and fresh fruit for snacking-on before or after your treatment.

- the woman’s change room has all the amenities you could ask for: eucalyptus steam room, showers (high quality shampoo, conditioner and body-wash), thick robes, sandals, lockers, make-up mirrors, cold cloths, lemon water and more…

- the music is a step above normal spa music… you can even buy a copy of the CD. There is a great gift-shop!

- complimentary make-up touch-ups if you wish; Jane Iredale mineral make-up.

- fully trained Registered Massage Therapists provide professional quality massage therapy, including exercises for home and referrals to other specialists if needed. My health plan at work covers unlimited massage therapy, up to $80 per session. Spa Utopia costs more than that, but considering my main goal here is relaxation and sanity, I feel like I’m getting a great deal.

I have not been to such a nice spa since my experience at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. What a treat. But don’t tell anyone, or I may find it hard to get an appointment in the future !!

Yesterday I had a bad day. 

I’m feeling a lot better now. 

Thanks for the emails and tweets. 

I will try to write some more good blog-posts soon.

From “The Sesame Street Book and Record”. ‘Green’ is (c)1970 Jonico Music, Inc.

It’s not that easy being green;
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves.
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold…
or something much more colorful like that.

It’s not easy being green.
It seems you blend in with so many other ord’nary things.
And people tend to pass you over ’cause you’re
not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water
or stars in the sky.

But green’s the color of Spring.
And green can be cool and friendly-like.
And green can be big like an ocean, or important like a mountain,
or tall like a tree.

When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why?
Wonder, I am green and it’ll do fine, it’s beautiful!
And I think it’s what I want to be.